#MicroblogMondays - It Was Going to be Funny but...

As I'm writing this, I'm remembering that it's 9/11. I feel like I should mark it, even though it's something that for me has faded since I didn't have any personal ties to the event. Granted, things have changed (and not for the better) in this country, and I worry about my son constantly given his size (at 6 he's as tall or taller than 8 year olds) and his features (having Northern Indian features is going to make him a target for anti-Mid-East assholes, no doubt about it).

Back to the funny/gross post I was thinking about when I opened my blog. We are slowly moving into our new house and thankfully last week the closing on the house we sold went smoothly meaning we were able to dodge a big bill for a bridge loan. *phew* Now we can finally get serious about furniture buying and really getting this place set up like we want it. One of those things was painting the office and getting it together so that I don't have to work at the kitchen table anymore. The area rug I'm going to use is one we've had for about 10 years. I've never cleaned it beyond vacuuming and this morning I thought...you know, probably should get out the steam cleaner and give it a good cleaning.

This is what I ended up with:


Clearly, I am not the best housekeeper.


Being Angry

I had a visit with my brother and his family that went horribly wrong. L and I got into a huge fight when I pointed out that using a sugar skull image in his band's promotion is cultural appropriation. The short version, it degenerated into me trying to browbeat him into submission and him throwing in my face that I've never lived anywhere where race is an issue. (he lived in Atlanta, North Carolina and Arkansas)

The fight doesn't really matter, what matters is how he was a fucking asshole about me reading books written by POC, listening to podcasts about race but HE one time stood up for a black man. Said black man a) didn't know L was standing up for him and b) had already been fired from the job. When that example was thrown at me in a holier than thou attitude I lost my fucking mind. 

My brother is the typical white liberal privileged male. He didn't know what cultural appropriation is and he stated that in standing up for this guy, he did the right thing and it was so scary but at least he did it. And then he proceeded to throw in my face that I don't have POC who are friends and I live in a less than diverse city. Although, it's was more diverse than any goddamn rural town in the PNW.  

We didn't resolve it before going to bed and in the morning when I was getting to leave I apologized for how I said things but not for what I said. It wasn't productive and I own that. But I still think he thinks he's above reproach and that makes me crazy. He can't see that in referring to one part of his town as the "south side" is creating bias in his daughters for instance and he insists he doesn't have internal biases because he has had POC who are friends and talked to them about racism.

The brief interlude this morning ended in yet another shouting match and I won't be visiting them anymore when I travel to his neck of the woods. He accused me of being too angry and treating our parents poorly. He told me I can't have meaningful relationships and I'm superficial.

  Now I'm left wondering if I'm the toxic person in all this and if I were just different somehow these things wouldn't happen. It's my childhood all over again. 

It's the Little Things?

I often feel guilty for not calling or writing my senators enough regarding the sad state of affairs 45 has created.

I often feel guilty that I don't actively participate in SURJ actions. 

I often feel guilty that when we moved to a more diverse area, we bought the biggest most expensive house on the block.  

I often feel guilty that we perpetuate public school problems by choosing a charter school. 

The one action I've taken in the last year that makes me proud is emailing the police department when the updates I was getting for my district included Crime Stoppers. In one instance in particular, the email snippet included the fact that the suspect was a person of color was on the first line. The second incident featuring a white suspect did not call out the suspect's race on the first line. Rather you saw from the security footage picture that the suspect was white.  I found the contact information for the officer who maintains the public distribution and emailed him my concerns that descriptions such as these are racist and perpetuate stereotypes. Since then, the bulletins have excluded the description of race in the snippets and every suspect is described in the same manner.  


Sometimes the simple email works?

Moving Day

I'm pretty ambivalent about the move even as I work on figuring out how to decorate the place. 

Our house is under contract, but we had trouble with the negotiations and the buyers have been doing a lot of inspections. What I mean to say is that I'm not holding my breath. Nothing has gone our way regarding the sale of our house, so getting to closing date on this deal before we have to close on a bridge loan will be a goddamn miracle. 


What Do A Hibiscus IPA and a Hoppy Pale Ale Have In Common?

The fact that I'm in Portland, happily sharing my finds in a city with a person I like. I'm traveling with a colleague that I get along with really well and is like a brother to me. I love that we share the beer and wine drinking interest so I can be super excited about beers I like showing up on a menu and he'll get equally excited. It's fun to travel with a like-minded colleague and friend, someone I can be open and raw with when it comes to work shit. I have his back and he has mine, and that's something I haven't experienced in my career until now. While there's still a boundary I push against on his side, I've opened up on my side. I wonder what's happening in his world sometimes, but if he isn't going to share, then why keep pushing?

It's part of my work to be more vulnerable. Something I'm trying to practice at work more and more. It's always easier to practice it with people I regard as friends, and I keep pushing forward when it comes to my bosses. Baby steps ensure that I am continually working this practice as much as I pull back against it.

A Closing

We close on the new house tomorrow, without an offer on our house. This has caused so much stress within my life and marriage it's unfuckingbelievable . I take that back, it's believable, because I've lived this before while trying to have kids. I'm struggling to be excited about the new house while the little voice in my head is screaming "YOU FUCKING IDIOT, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING MAKING A HUGE DECISION LIKE THIS AND COUNTING ON YOUR HOUSE SELLING IN 2 WEEKS? NOW LOOK AT THE MESS YOU'RE IN"

This is what happens when I don't listen to Lainey's mom! I'm a Tiger and S is a Pig. Apparently a perfect love match, so at least we have that going for us. Basically, I'm not supposed to rush into any big decisions, and S isn't going to have a great year plus there could be financial implications. Ya think?



Chinese horoscopes and their interpretations aside, now we are in a pickle and it goes a little something like this:

- take a big chunk of $ out of S's IRA to cover our cash at closing tomorrow.

- Put said big chunk back into the IRA within 60 days or end up with an enormous tax bill

- Apply for a bridge loan in a couple weeks

- Take out a loan on my retirement account to help cover 2 mortgages and a bridge loan (which pretty much total my entire monthly take home pay)

- Sit and wait for our house to sell. That's where the damn money is. ALL of it.

A Vacation

We went on vacation without the kids. This is the first time we've been away from them for more than 2 nights, and the first real vacation we've had since before X was born. "Real" vacation in my mind includes the beach and no family obligations, you know?

Being away from the kids was pretty easy because I'm lucky to have in-laws who really like taking care of them. S's parents took them for the whole week, and we talked to them everyday making it easy to check in and assess the situation. No complaints were had on either side, except for the inevitable end of the week comment when MIL labeled them high energy, a euphemism for exhausting. (oh, don't I know it)

Now my parents on the other hand? When I asked my mom if they'd like to have them the second half of the week, she said yes. S talked to his mom about it, and then we left it up to the two grandmothers to work out the logistics. Then, we find out on Wednesday that when pressed to set up a time to take the kids my mom told S's parents that she had just gotten back from vacation herself visiting her sisters, was busy and she "understands how precious this time is for them". S's dad was taken aback enough to tell S he wasn't sure what that meant, and S took the opportunity to point out that this is the exact reason why we struggle with the relationship with my parents. S's parents are the opposite of confrontational so they just dropped it and kept the kids for another 4 nights. I don't know why the hell my mom would say something like that and I don't feel like confronting it. I haven't figured out how to ask the right questions to get a real answer, I often wonder if I will get the real answer, and in my head the real answer is that she didn't want to watch them but won't say it. 

Meanwhile, our house has not sold, and I'm losing sleep over the decisions we've made over the past 2 months. We've dropped the price significantly on our house, and it looks like that generated more interest, so we'll see what the next week brings. We close on the new house in 2 weeks and not having this one under contract scares the bejeezus out of me.

So much for vacation...now I have insomnia.

I'll leave you with pretty pictures




It Can't Be Easy

14 days, our house has been on the market with nary an offer. It has had a lot of showings, but none of that has translated to an actual contract. One of those weeks is the 4th of July, so we'll be giving it another few days or a week before making a decision to drop the price. Maybe our price is too aggressive? I don't think so given what other similar houses in the neighborhood have sold for. That being said, we probably could have listed it a little lower and gotten actual offers rather than feedback that says they don't like the layout (then you don't want a bungalow, most of the older houses in this neighborhood), and that it's not updated enough for the price. Well, in this neighborhood, our price is pretty damn good given the updates we have done, and if someone wants a more updated house here they need to spend a lot more money. It's the catch-22 of living here. You pay for the neighborhood, no doubt about it. So, we're holding out a little longer for the buyer who really really really wants to move here and who appreciates the charm of an old house that yes, needs maintenance, and maybe a complete gutting.

This entire situation is a total mind f*ck. I wish that S didn't find the house we're buying, I wish we offered less on that house, I wish we waited until we were more ready to put ours on the market, I wish, I wish, I wish... I've taken a break from therapy to address the crises at hand, which are getting this house sold, hiring a moving company, and playing money gymnastics to bridge the gap between buying one house and selling the other. We can take money out of our IRA for 60 days and since we don't close until the end of July, we're probably just fine......so we think.

Meanwhile, work continues, right? Anxiety is heightened and I'm exploding at inopportune times like at a project team. That went to my boss's boss and I had a talk with my supervisor about how my message was exactly right, but the way it was delivered was so wrong. I'm not in a lot of trouble, but it was explicitly stated that this will not happen again. *ahem*

Family life, well about the same. X has become so anxious with the move that he flat out refused to get out of the car at his therapy on 2 occasions. We're taking a break. Meanwhile, I am on edge and snapping way too often, expecting a 6 year old to have reasoning skills beyond his age. The 2.5 year old keeps up with his brother so it's been downright horrible on several nights and weekends.

S and I are opposing sine waves (fellow nerds will appreciate). I pushed him to put in an offer because I knew he loved the house. Now, he's more excited than I am and I'm regretting all the decisions leading up to today and the hell we've created in lieu of a summer. It's like that often with us, especially on big life changes. Sometimes we're in sync, and sometimes we have weeks where we hardly talk to each other, just getting through the day, going to sleep, getting up, going to work, rinse and repeat. This was a lesson learned during infertility for how we work under high stress situations. Now that we recognize it, we can ride the waves until we're back in sync.

I've pushed all the other stuff down deep, the biological family contact, the attachment issues, and the depression. I've had one stretch session in which I felt nothing, and walled myself off from everything but superficial talk. I didn't get a good result from that session.  A week later, I was still pretty tight and messed up, so I went in again, this time a little less walled off and wary, and my hips released a lot, especially the right side. I wonder....


Photo by sakkmesterke/iStock / Getty Images

Photo by sakkmesterke/iStock / Getty Images

#MicroblogMondays - The Home Stretch to Showing

Three days from now our house will be on the market. I'm over it and so exhausted that I'm taking time off of work to clean and stage. Except that I'm over the cleaning and the purging and the organizing too. My body has fun ways of telling me I'm overextended and this time was no exception, developing an eyelid infection last Thursday that is now going away, but I still look a little bit hung over.

3 more days....

It's like finals week.


#MicroblogMondays - Ugh

There was no downtime this weekend save for a movie date night S and I had on Friday in anticipation of total suckage the rest of the weekend. I took Friday and today off to paint. (I hate painting) Also, Friday was the last day of school so I went to X's classroom to hang out for a little while before rushing off to buy paint and meet the tub refinishing guy. In the afternoon both kids were dropped off at gparents so that S and I could spend a romantic weekend of house repair. Saturday was a whole morning of inspecting the new house, in which we were sorely disappointed in the state of the electrical and plumbing. Saturday afternoon we hit the painting in the basement and then took a nice Saturday night trip to a big box hardware store. Sunday brought more painting for me, soccer and generally trying to keep it together in a house that is currently in various stages of repair and chaos. New light fixture in the bathroom looks like shit but it's the only one that fits, tub is refinished but we haven't used it yet so half our stuff is in the downstairs bathroom and half is upstairs. We took out the shitty medicine cabinet and replaced it with a mirror because that makes sense in a tiny bathroom. But hey, it looks better! The family room in the basement is covered in tape and furniture is pushed to the middle causing all kinds of havoc. The office and laundry room are dumping grounds for all kinds of random crap. 

Getting a house ready for sale sucks.