0.5 NoBloPoMo Day 4 - Have You Ever Cried...

when a business shutters it's doors unexpectedly? 

I've been using a grocery delivery service for about 10 years. I've been part of their growing from simple produce boxes to being able to do about 90% of my grocery shopping from my computer. It's all organic produce, mostly organic groceries and lots of local picks. While I've had issues from time to time, their customer service has been top notch, always crediting my account with no questions asked if I reported missing or bad items. In fact, one time, they left my box in a part of my yard where I didn't see it for a week. I reported the box lost and they had no problem crediting the full amount of the box. Their customer service is one of the reasons why I kept on going with them even with the rise of boxed meals (although I've been mixing it up a bit there) and big grocery chains getting into the delivery business. I wanted them to succeed, they started it all. When I signed up for their service way back in the day NO ONE was doing grocery delivery. It was a whole new world. Now everyone is doing grocery delivery. And it appears they've fallen victim to the competition.

When I received this e-mail, I have to admit...I shed a tear.

It is with a heavy heart that we reach out to you today to share that effective Friday, November 17th, Door to Door Organics will cease operations. We started as a produce box delivery company operating out of a garage in Bucks County, PA and grew to be so much more. Over the years we’ve made nearly 3 million deliveries of organic produce and natural groceries, putting more Good Food into the hands of our customers than we ever dreamed possible all while supporting local farmers and vendors, and striving to have a positive impact on our communities. 

We are so proud of what we accomplished - for one, 2017 marked our 20th anniversary. As pioneers in the ever evolving online food landscape, we’re honored to have played a role in changing what it means to shop for groceries. In 2012, we became the first grocer in Colorado to become a certified B-Corp by meeting rigorous standards of social, environmental, and corporate responsibility. Since the beginning, supporting local community partners has been a part of the fabric of our company. This year we were on pace to donate more than 600,000 pounds of organic and natural food to food banks in our communities.

Our 2016 merger with Relay Foods brought two talented teams together to deliver on our shared mission of empowering families to put healthy food on the table by making every step—from meal planning to preparation—simple, accessible and fun. 

The strides we’ve made towards delivering on that promise and bringing you our best as a natural foods grocer are a testament to the passionate and dedicated support from both customers like you and our employees.  What we achieved together was nothing short of remarkable. While our employees are the heros of this mission-driven journey, we especially want to give a big thank you to you, our customers, for supporting us.  

Listening to our customers and embracing the principle of doing best by our customers is a core value of the Door to Door Organics brand.  We heard from you how difficult it is putting healthy food on the table and took your feedback to heart as we embarked on features such as our meal planning and shop-by-recipe functionality. It gave us great satisfaction to see how that had begun to transform how some of you went about your food life.

In the end it’s hard to point to one thing that led us to this conclusion. Ultimately timing of recent events in our industry and the impact that had on our funding prospects were not in our favor with ultimate result being no path forward. 

We are also very mindful of the timing of this announcement.  We know many of you had counted on next week’s deliveries for your Thanksgiving meal.  We sincerely apologize that we are unable to meet your family’s needs on this occasion.  So, as we shutter our doors we say thanks and wish you and yours Good Food shared with family and friends.

Your Friends at Door to Door Organics



p.s. Yeah, I missed yesterday. It was nuts.


0.5 #NoBloPoMo Day 2 - How Do You Do It All?

That was a question posed to me by a fellow working mom. She's re-entering the workforce part time after having some time off and her kids are the same age as mine. It's funny everytime I get this question, because my answer is always, "I don't". And that's the truth. I don't do it all, and I've done a whole lot of work around reframing what I need vs. what I think I'm supposed to do. 

This is what I need:

  • At least 7 hours of sleep
  • Downtime at the end of the day
  • Gym/bike at least 4 days a week
  • Talk to S
  • TV! Currently I'm watching Supergirl (guilty pleasure), The Mindy Project (sad it's the last season), and The Americans
  • Escapism movies - Comedies, Sci-Fi, Superhero...basically anything that doesn't remind me of the shitshow that is the current daily life of 'Murica.

This is what I think I'm supposed to do:

  • Make a healthy meal that everyone is happy to eat each night (ha)
  • Sit down for 20 minutes with X for homework
  • Teach the kids to pick up clutter and spend 10 min every night picking up to keep the house neat
  • Volunteer to be on the PTA Board
  • Volunteer more at X's school
  • Learn Spanish
  • Read more books

What actually happens:

  • Most nights during the work week I get 7 hours of sleep.  Some nights better quality than others. Weekends are more, but not much considering the 2 kids who bounce out of bed at 6:30am
  • I wake up at about 4:45am and go to the gym like it's my religion. (it might be)
  • I pick up the kids almost every day (S is the morning parent, I'm the afternoon parent)
  • I get home with the kids around 5:30pm, make dinner for the kids and work on S's and my dinner at the same time. They get mac n' cheese, fish sticks, meatballs or chicken nuggets and a vegetable. Z whines, but then eats it. X refuses to eat any vegetables except corn, so I ask him to tolerate whatever else is on his plate. Half the time, X throws some kind of fit and ends up making toast with sunflower seed butter and jelly. (unless it's mac n' cheese or cheese pizza or a local Italian restaurant he likes. He won't eat spaghetti I make, just the spaghetti these guys make). There are too many issues surrounding food that are currently stressing me out.
  • At the end of dinner, it's between 6:30pm and 7:00pm. I'm usually tapping my foot impatiently wondering how long of a workout S is doing that night. (He works out about 3 days a work-week, so I know I don't have much to complain about, it's still sucks though)
  • There's usually some kind of meltdown around 7:00pm that leads to herding the kids up to their rooms to get ready for bed. Sometimes, they are fine until 7:30pm, but lately it's been a bitch. (I blame the time change)
  • S and I alternate getting them ready most of the time. However, if one is melting down then it's usually a split effort between the two. 
  • Kids are usually asleep by 8:30-9:00 after multiple rounds of "quiet time" and "lights out". I should say Z is usually asleep by then. X falls asleep much faster these days. 
  • I attempt to get ready for the day on my nights "off". Get the coffee ready to go, make my lunch, pack my clothes, lay out my workout clothes....
  • At 9:00pm I think, "crap", I have to go to bed like now. At 9:40, I'm usually in bed.
  • At 4:45am, my alarm goes off and it's rinse and repeat.


  • One day a week, both kids have swimming lessons. I leave work a little early and pick up Z. S picks up X. I get Z to his lesson, S drops X off for his lesson then hits the gym and usually is back to retrieve X at the end and I swim with Z during X's lesson. Which worked fine until they decided to close the pool to anyone not taking a lesson, and S decided he needs a longer workout. 
  • OH, and on those swimming lesson days, dinner is typically of the fast-food burger variety
  • There's also the therapy that occurs at night occasionally, which also tends to lead to dinner of the fast-food variety. We are parents of the year among the upper-middle class white parents. *sarcasm*

I guess what it all comes down to is that I'm not doing what I THOUGHT I would be doing. Most of the time, I just want the picky kid to EAT SOMETHING. I keep trying to introduce new foods and he won't get it anywhere near his mouth. It's how it's always been. When he was younger, I read something that said it takes like 15 tries before they'll take to a new food. So we tried. And we tried and tried tried tried...he actually lost some foods transitioning from baby to kid. No more bananas or sweet potatoes or peas or carrots...but I digress. 

Mostly, I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. I just want to sit down and read, but instead I'm getting ready for the next workout. I want to walk the dog, but I'm too wrapped up in planning/doing/sleeping. (S usually takes her on a walk, but I feel like a shitty dog-mommy). I want to help X with his homework, but he melts down and refuses to even sit down to do it. (there's a need to monitor based on what we've seen of his grades so far this year)

I am volunteering more this year, and it's adding stress. I helped with the directory for the school and when I found some errors in my part of the directory right before it hit the print shop, the shame spiral caught hold. They got fixed, it was fine, and I'm trying to be ok with what happened, but it's really hard. Especially because I checked it twice and still had errors! I'm leaving work for a long "lunch" to volunteer at "Pie Day" at X's school to celebrate Thanksgiving on the same day I have a doctor's appointment and then the first PTA meeting I've ever attended, so there goes that day.  I keep making all my appointments for stretch and ART and therapy and doctor and facials and hair during the week so that I can have weekends free to be more present. It makes me feel like I'm not putting in enough work-work, even though I'm keeping up on my projects and got a good performance review recently. 

There you have it. I don't do it all. I prioritize. I fail. I succeed. That's all that I can do. 



Can I start #NoBloPoMo 14 days in?

Many times over the past few weeks I’ve thought of posts to blog and then did nothing about it. In catching up on Jos's blog, I realized that maybe I just need a push to write. So, half a NoBloPoMo?  Are the interwebs police gonna come get me for not starting on day one? 

A quick catch up before I get into the meat of it tomorrow:

1. We’re currently shopping for furniture and decorating ideas for our new house. The idea has been to wait for We.st El.m’s Bla.ck Fr.iday sale to order everything. That’s next week and we maybe have a sofa picked out. Sheesh.

2. I’ve finally taken the steps to break up with my therapist. It’s still a little open-ended as she’d like for me to have a closeout session with her at some point. 

3. I’m not the only one in therapy. It’s not something I can really talk about here because I want to protect privacy of a minor. What I feel I can say is I’m glad we’ve started early, and at the same time sad when I see shame spirals and anxiety in someone I love. We’ve finally gotten to the point of using EMDR and I’ve received a crash course in implicit memories. Being a parent is hard.

4. I love my gym and I don’t miss Jazz.ercise at all. BUT, I can’t lose the 10lbs I’ve put on over the past several years. I’m so f-cking annoyed by that as I’ve done a lot of what I needed to do over the summer training for a century ride and working out 5 days a week with weightlifting and cardio combinations on top of cycling. My calorie burn was sky high. My calorie intake was deficit. I lost 3 lbs then it all came back after stopping cycling training. Trying to change my mindset to concentrate on muscle development over the winter and hit the weights hard. More on that later.

5. I haven't called my Uncle B or his brother since the long conversation I had with B back in May. I don't really know what to do with that situation.

Self Care and All that Jazz

I wrote that last post and felt so down. Then I unsuccessfully once again went to my therapists office to break up with her. Instead I spent the session trying to explain to her how I felt and she prompting me to figure out if it was the situation making it worse or if this is something more. I find these chats annoying as f-ck as I would rather she validate me instead of questioning me nonstop. Anyway, I left there armed with some insight. (ok fine it works)

Since we moved, we've been trying to put the kids to bed in their respective rooms meaning both of us are on for go-to-sleep duty. That starts at about 7:30pm and lasts until about 9pm when Z finally gives up. X falls asleep quickly, it's the 3 yo who is a pain in the ass. I get up at about 4:45am to go to the gym so this means I have zero downtime from when I leave work to my head hitting the pillow. 

So, I talked with S and we're going to go back to alternating bedtime routine duties during the week. We started it and amazingly, I had some time to read and work on decorating ideas for the new house. By the end of the week I didn't feel as frazzled and exhausted. 




#MicroblogMondays - Depression


I'm depressed. 

I'm medicated.

It's not a magic bullet.

I was trying to explain to S what depression feels like, because all my family sees right now is me not happy and on edge. I spent the entire summer dealing with anxiety with the buying of a house, selling of a house, and all of it not on my preferred timeline. Now that it's done, we've moved in, we've sold the other house, we've put the money back in S's IRA, recast the mortgage loan with the proceeds of our house sale....it's flipped. Depression is back in a big way. I spend a lot of time in my head trying to reframe and give myself a break, and I'm less than successful. I spend a lot of time wanting/needing/craving a break from life in general.  I took Friday off of work in the name of self care to watch movies while editing X's school directory, paint my nails and ride my bike. That was great, but the house was still a disorganized mess that needs to be cleaned. I swear it won't feel like it's my house until I have everything where I want it, and it looks like a mid-mod style freaking Nor.man Rock.well painting. As if that will cure the depression once and for all. I know it won't, but it's one thing I can control. 

The hard part about depression is that it never goes away. When I started therapy 4 years ago I thought I just needed help through a life transition. Then there was a name put to my symptoms. Then there was medication. Then I worked on a lot of crap. Then she moved. Then I took a break and things were pretty good. Then I needed more therapy. Two years into that therapy, I'm figuring out that I will be living with this for the rest of my life and I'll never be "cured". Medication takes the edge off and evens me out, it doesn't stop the thoughts. The imposter feeling, the inner critic telling me I'm not good enough. That is present 100% of the time.

Even if She isn't a Narcissist....

I have avoidant attachment issues. I am accused of not having EI in my workplace. I tamp emotions down and explode when it becomes too much.  


Therapist isn't convinced that my mom is a narcissist, especially because she's never talked with her. Now she does acknowledge crappy attachment and cluelessness when it comes to my mom. So, if she's not a narcissist, and she did the best she could raising me, I still struggle a lot with the idea that I am completely screwed up emotionally because of her. I'm still angry and I haven't been able to get past that part. I know I need to find another therapist and I should have by now. Breaking up with a therapist is oddly hard to do.  

I have at least 3 options for therapists to check out and I've had their names and numbers for months.  

I guess my goal for myself by the end of the year is to break up with mine and have at least one appointment with the recommendations I've been given. 

Why is it so hard to make changes that I know I need? 

#MicroblogMondays - It Was Going to be Funny but...

As I'm writing this, I'm remembering that it's 9/11. I feel like I should mark it, even though it's something that for me has faded since I didn't have any personal ties to the event. Granted, things have changed (and not for the better) in this country, and I worry about my son constantly given his size (at 6 he's as tall or taller than 8 year olds) and his features (having Northern Indian features is going to make him a target for anti-Mid-East assholes, no doubt about it).

Back to the funny/gross post I was thinking about when I opened my blog. We are slowly moving into our new house and thankfully last week the closing on the house we sold went smoothly meaning we were able to dodge a big bill for a bridge loan. *phew* Now we can finally get serious about furniture buying and really getting this place set up like we want it. One of those things was painting the office and getting it together so that I don't have to work at the kitchen table anymore. The area rug I'm going to use is one we've had for about 10 years. I've never cleaned it beyond vacuuming and this morning I thought...you know, probably should get out the steam cleaner and give it a good cleaning.

This is what I ended up with:


Clearly, I am not the best housekeeper.


Being Angry

I had a visit with my brother and his family that went horribly wrong. L and I got into a huge fight when I pointed out that using a sugar skull image in his band's promotion is cultural appropriation. The short version, it degenerated into me trying to browbeat him into submission and him throwing in my face that I've never lived anywhere where race is an issue. (he lived in Atlanta, North Carolina and Arkansas)

The fight doesn't really matter, what matters is how he was a fucking asshole about me reading books written by POC, listening to podcasts about race but HE one time stood up for a black man. Said black man a) didn't know L was standing up for him and b) had already been fired from the job. When that example was thrown at me in a holier than thou attitude I lost my fucking mind. 

My brother is the typical white liberal privileged male. He didn't know what cultural appropriation is and he stated that in standing up for this guy, he did the right thing and it was so scary but at least he did it. And then he proceeded to throw in my face that I don't have POC who are friends and I live in a less than diverse city. Although, it's was more diverse than any goddamn rural town in the PNW.  

We didn't resolve it before going to bed and in the morning when I was getting to leave I apologized for how I said things but not for what I said. It wasn't productive and I own that. But I still think he thinks he's above reproach and that makes me crazy. He can't see that in referring to one part of his town as the "south side" is creating bias in his daughters for instance and he insists he doesn't have internal biases because he has had POC who are friends and talked to them about racism.

The brief interlude this morning ended in yet another shouting match and I won't be visiting them anymore when I travel to his neck of the woods. He accused me of being too angry and treating our parents poorly. He told me I can't have meaningful relationships and I'm superficial.

  Now I'm left wondering if I'm the toxic person in all this and if I were just different somehow these things wouldn't happen. It's my childhood all over again. 

It's the Little Things?

I often feel guilty for not calling or writing my senators enough regarding the sad state of affairs 45 has created.

I often feel guilty that I don't actively participate in SURJ actions. 

I often feel guilty that when we moved to a more diverse area, we bought the biggest most expensive house on the block.  

I often feel guilty that we perpetuate public school problems by choosing a charter school. 

The one action I've taken in the last year that makes me proud is emailing the police department when the updates I was getting for my district included Crime Stoppers. In one instance in particular, the email snippet included the fact that the suspect was a person of color was on the first line. The second incident featuring a white suspect did not call out the suspect's race on the first line. Rather you saw from the security footage picture that the suspect was white.  I found the contact information for the officer who maintains the public distribution and emailed him my concerns that descriptions such as these are racist and perpetuate stereotypes. Since then, the bulletins have excluded the description of race in the snippets and every suspect is described in the same manner.  


Sometimes the simple email works?

Moving Day

I'm pretty ambivalent about the move even as I work on figuring out how to decorate the place. 

Our house is under contract, but we had trouble with the negotiations and the buyers have been doing a lot of inspections. What I mean to say is that I'm not holding my breath. Nothing has gone our way regarding the sale of our house, so getting to closing date on this deal before we have to close on a bridge loan will be a goddamn miracle.